I have a cold, or the flu, or something like that. And I’m stuck at home, feeling like crapola on a Saturday night. Yup, my life is super tragic.

So, I checked out the TV guide – not alot on. Jumanji’s on, but how many times have I seen that? And I didn’t really enjoy it.

Speaking of Jumanji, I saw that cheap, futuristic remake of it, Zathura, not long ago. It was shockingly appalling. So, whilst I try and work out whether or not I am capable of walking to the video store and back in my ill state, I shall explain to you why I didn’t like Zathura:

Well, it had a lameo story line, it wasn’t all that thrilling and one of the boys (Walter, played by Josh Hutcherson) gets a wish and he wishes for a football. Excuse me, why wouldn’t you wish yourself home and safe? Clearly that would be the intelligent thing to do. But no, he wishes for a football. Man, you can get those back home, where it’s SAFE! Duh!

But see, I could put up with all of that. I could also deal with the creepy looking alien things and the fact that somehow, despite having been attacked by an intense amount of fireballs, and the outside of the house being almost nothing, the interior of the house seemed to retain most of it’s actual structure. (Although, the furniture suffered – which was sad.)

What I truely couldn’t accept was the fact that an astronaut (Dax Shepard) arrived. And not just any astronaut. No, this particular astronaut happened to be the future-self of middle child Walter. And future Walter, who doesn’t let onto his identity, has returned back from the future to make sure that present Walter doesn’t wish away his little brother – because that’s what future Walter stupidly did.

Actually, wait, I could deal with all of that. That was kind’ve cute, in a lameo, kids-Hollywood, teach-you-a-lesson kind of of way.

See, the disturbing this was when older sister Lisa (Kristen Stewart) was unfrozen (she’d been freezed early in the movie), she took one look at future Walter and it was love at first sight – on her end only. I mean real Hollywood style, eyes-get-bright, romantical-music-plays, breath-is-caught kind of love at first sight. Yup, Lisa fell for her future brothers self:

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Zathura 1: Being dazzled by future brothers self. Not unlike being dazzled by Edward Cullen – cept Edward’s not incest.

And she followed him around and clung to him like some love sick puppy for a good chunk of the rest of the movie:

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Zathura 2: Following sexy future brothers self’s orders, in the hopes of surviving and sexing him.

Seriously, I don’t care if she didn’t know he was her future brothers self! What is this movie trying to tell kids?: “If your future brothers self comes back and doesn’t tell you who he is, it’s totally ok to want to sex him up.”? Man, that’s just sick. Especially for a movie with a G/PG rating.

I’ve got a good mind to report the Zathura people to child services! Yes that includes you, Kristen Stewart, for signing up for such a sicko movie. (Then, they will just have to cast me as Bella in Twilight. Yay! We all win! :P)

No Kristen Stewart, do not give me that look you gave your future brothers self when you realised he was your future brothers self:

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Zathura 3: Kristen fears Georgia might actually report her to child services/realises she totally had the sexy hots for her future bros self.

Maybe next time, let’s not sign up for an incestous movie. Yeah, uh-huh, mmm-hmmm.

So now, I really don’t want to watch Jumanji, because it’s just going to remind me of Zathura and thus disturb me.

It’s a Saturday night – why aren’t they catering to all the sick and/or examing older teenage crowd?

I wonder if Chloe has any good dvds hidden in her bedroom?

xoxo

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