The Secret Life of the American Teenager is an American series based around a teenage girl who falls pregnant to the school’s “bad boy” at band camp. It is currently in it’s third season, but I am only half-way through the second, and it is undoubtedly the most shocking thing I have ever watched… yet I can’t take my eyes off the absolute trainwrek it manages to be!

Let’s take a closer look:

In the first season, Amy (the goody-two-shoes) gets knocked up by Ricky, who is supposed to be the school’s bad boy, but really just comes across as a douche bag wannabe bad boy who has had an unfortunate past. Anyways, Amy decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, despite only being 15, and is supported unconditionally by her parents almost from the get-go. Of course, you’d expect the father (Ricky) to do a runner, but he doesn’t! He becomes obsessed by the idea of being a dad and goes out of his way to support the birth – although the two don’t date.

At the same time, weedy nerdboy Ben falls inlove with Amy, but doesn’t care if she’s pregnant. He decides that he loves her so much, that on like their second date he proposes and they plan to get married and raise the future-baby together. Puke much? Anyways, Amy totally accepts and they are all like “OMG WE’RE GONNA GET MARRIED EVEN THOUGH WE ARE FIFTEEN AND IT’S TOTALLY ILLEGAL!” Poor Ben though, he’s basically the only character getting absolutely no action – and in such a sex-filled show! But he’s an idiot who falls in love with the pregnant girl (Amy), tries to marry her illegally, fails, then goes to Bologna in Italy (known for sex and prostitutes! of course!), comes home with an Italian girlfriend, is on-off with Amy for ages, decides he loves Amy’s son John more than he loves Amy, and in the most recent episode I saw, he was making out with Grace! He’s a busy boy, but no sex for Ben! Yet he has a big stash of condoms, which his father borrows from, cos his father is dating a hooker named Betty (more on that later) and wants to marry said hooker!

Seriously, this entire show is all about having sex and getting married. WHAT THE HELL? These people are only 14, 15 or 16 years old! When I was 14, whilst I’m sure sex was a conscious thought, marriage certainly was not! And I wasn’t having sex! I WAS FOURTEEN! But seriously, they don’t talk about holding hands or kissing or crushes, they only talk about sex. There is no “I have a crush on you”, no, it’s only “I want to have sex with you” and sex seems to be every second word! Even with the parents! And the kids seem to have no issue talking to their parents about having sex, and the way they demand it! “I WANT SEX! I NEED SEX! I LOVE HAVING SEX!” Yes! We get it! You are all creepy under-age sex-addicts, surely teenagers do other things? Hell! I know teenagers do other things!

Adrian is the school “slut” and sleeps wit every boy she can get her hands on, she wears very low cut tops to school and in an episode I recently watched, she was wearing denim shorts so short they were undies. (um, isn’t there SOME dress code of some sort? it’s a school!) Adrian mostly has sex with Ricky, and she’s not afraid to tell people, she’s announced it to literally everyone, including teachers and her parents on several occassions. Honestly, the character is a freak! Why on earth would you announce that to TEACHERS? Adrian is so obsessed with sex that she has absolutely no other interests, and I reckon she says sex the most often of all the characters. By half way through season two though, she starts to wonder if Ricky will marry her, and tells him that if he wants to have sex with her (they never say “sleep with” or any other euphamism), then he best marry her one day. Once again, these characters are SIXTEEN! CHILDREN!

Grace, who ends up befriending Adrian, is the goody-two-shoes Christian who is dating the school jock, Jack (who is obsessed with the idea of sex), and she plans to stay a virgin til after she finishes Med School, when she gets married (which, in America, is about the age of 30). She’s in the Teen Abstinence Group at her local church and wants everyone to stop having sex… that is, until she has sex and she says it’s so wonderful and fabulous and then! Oh wait! It gets better! Her mum comes home, turns out at the exact time Grace was sexing up Jack, her father was killed in an airplane accident! So Grace becomes depressed, blames her sins for what happened to her dad and dumps Jack. The couple are on-off for a bit longer in the series, and he tries to force her into oral sex, but she doesn’t like that, and refuses to have sex again, until her mum suggests masturbation and then the whole thing gets even more ridiculous when Grace tells all the other girls at school about she-bopping and they start a revolution and decide to give up boys and there are stickers and hats and tshirts and other paraphernalia and HONESTLY could this show get any more ludicous? Yes, yes it could. And it does.

Jack is a sex-obsessed (aren’t they all?) jock who sleeps with several other girls because Grace won’t sleep with him! His dad is the local pastor. Jack doesn’t have very interesting storylines.

Tom is Grace’s adopted brother, he has downs syndrome, but is also sex-obsessed. He hires a hooker one night (Betty, who ends up marrying Ben’s father), and whlist he and the hooker don’t have sex, he is certainly interested. He is later set up with a girl who also has downs, called Tammy, and they don’t do much besides hand-holding and phone sex. Later, Tom lends Adrian money and thinks that because he does, Adrian loves him and will marry him. So he breaks up with Tammy, even though Adrian will not marry Tom! Tom does love Grace though, he is very protective of her, warning Jack: “If you marry Grace, you marry me, buddy.”

Maddison and Lauren are Amy’s two sidekicks, they are sex-obsessed and gossip-obsessed, they are even the ones that tell the whole school that Amy is pregnant! Maddison has sex with Jack a few times around the time Jack and Grace break up and Lauren makes out with Ricky once. It’s all a bit incestuous if you ask me.

Henry and Alice are Ben’s sidekicks, they have sex alot. ‘Nuff said.

Oh! I almost forgot Ashley, she should’ve been mentioned earlier. She is Amy’s younger sister, she often talks about sex too, but hasn’t done anything because she is too young and she knows it. She is moody, her voice has absolutely no emotion in it and she wears alot of black. Mostly she accuses other people of having sex or asks them if they are having sex, but she CAN at times be the voice of reason (like telling Amy that Ben’s Italian fling is a “geographically inappropriate relationship” and telling her dad to keep fighting for her mum. She now lives in the family garage and has a little black pouch with “condoms” embroidered on it, with you guessed it, condoms inside! Amy calls said pouch “cute”. I call it “creepy” and “inappropriate”. To her first day of high school, Ashley wears a very tight, very low-cut black lace dress, she gets alot of male attention… Hmmm I wonder why.

Then there’s Griffin (Ashley’s sidekick), who is gay, and apparently “gay runs in his family” (quote: Ashley) because not only is Griffin gay, but both his older brothers are. WTF random television program? Gay doesn’t “run in a family”, it is not a disease or a gene passed on from generation to generation. The likelyhood of a family having three gay sons, especially when one of them is like 14, is stupidly ridiculous! The likelyhood of anyone being out in a small town (SMALL TOWN!) in America at 14 is laughable, especially someone who is as out and as camp as Griffin is. No fourteen year old boy is that confident! Not even a straight one! And it seems that the other characters genuinely believe that gay DOES run in the family, because they believe Griffin’s cousin MUST be gay, just because the two are cousins! THAT IS NOT HOW GAY WORKS PEOPLE! Once again: you can’t “catch” gay. Trust me, as a faghag myself, I’d know if you could catch gay. And furthermore: why does 14 year old Griffin have a six pack and why does he wear face masks? There is more to gay than that, especially in a young boy! Where’s the confusion, the angst, the “I just don’t know”? He’s 14! HE IS FOURTEEN!

So this show has thrown at us: a pregnant teenager, a boy who loves her, a boy who is the father and wants to be involved, a girl obsessed with annoucing to the world she’s obsessed with sex, a Christian girl who likes to announce her love of self-pleasuring, a jock obsessed with oral sex, four sidekicks who are sex-obsessed, two down syndrome kids who partake in phone sex, a younger sister who has a stash of condoms and a 14-year-old supergay in a facemask. Is there anything I’ve forgotten? Oh yes:

Amy and Ashley’s mum gets pregnant AFTER John (Amy’s baby) is born, and there is conflict over the father of the baby: is is her ex-husbands, her boyfriends or her high-school boyfriends? Ben’s father is the sausage king (nice innuendo there) and marries an ex-hooker, Grace’s mum marries the younger brother of the pilot who crashed the plane Grace’s father was in, there is this creepy boy who wants to have sex with Ashley (and he announces that to us the moment we meet him), there’s a dude looks like a lady who wants to sex up Amy and a few other creeps all sexing eachother up thrown into the mix. Pure genius at it’s best!

Fuck I love this show, it’s shockingly written, both in the idiotic, highly unrealistic story-lines and the stiff, unnatural dialogue, but it’s pure entertainment and first-class drivvle, and I get a good laugh out of it every time it comes on.
Never stop being this ridiculous, Secret Life, never. I love you.

p.s. go get the dvd, thank me later.

EDIT AND UPDATE: So I finished the series, it just gets better! Adrian and Ben have sex to get back at Amy and Ricky for having a child (a year and a half late, but whatever)! And then, later, Adrian admits that her period is late and the series is left on a cliffhanger: but we all know it’s Ben’s baby, cos she says it! (hardly a cliffhanger but whatever) Oooh, can’t wait till Amy and Ricky find out! AND ADRIAN’S DAD! That’s going to be priceless. Anyways, Grace is totally anti-abortion (something Adrian is considering) and she tells Jack who tells Madison and honestly Madison can’t keep her fat trap shut… It’s not gonna stay secret long.

Also, on the topic of Madiaon and Jack, they get a little more interesting: Jack’s obsession with oral sex goes so far that he dates Madison so he can get lots of oral sex (even though they’ve never had real sex, she’s just given him head alot – demeaning much?) and his mum even tells him that Madison is better to date than Grace because Madison is a “fun redhead who likes oral sex!” HOW INAPPROPRIATE DOES THIS MOTHER WANT TO BE? I’d fucking cringe if my mother said such things to me! (correction: the mother is his step mother and did I mention his father is a chuch PASTOR? my lordy!)

Ricky takes Amy to court because he wants the right to take John on weekends, which Amy isn’t thrilled about. Fair enough, she was the 15 year old who had to birth the child, and how on earth is Ricky the 16-17 year old boy living out of home in an apartment and why are the other characters TRUSTING in this? I’d be super-suss if one of my friends moved out of home at that age.

Also at the very end of the series John turns one (he’s bloody cute, that baby is) and Ben’s dad marries Betty the hooker. These things were nice, mostly cos John is cute and Betty the hooker has the best outfits.

So thus ends two seasons of Secret Life. Seriously can’t wait for more!

xoxo

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