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Eurovision has been and gone for another year and I am sad again because I have to wait a whole year until Sweden 2013 and that is much too far off!

So now I’ve got a spare moment and I’ve had time to recuperate from a weekend filled with cheesy music, lycra, pyrotechnics and wind machines in all sorts of languages.

Semi Finals 1 aired in Australia on Friday night and it was a race to the bottom between Latvia, San Marino and Montenegro… Could you get worse songs? One was literally a song about how she would win and everyone would know the words to her beautiful song (and she managed to squeeze in a few name drops), one was about Facebook and ‘playing cyber sex’ and well who really knows what Montenegro was grunting on about…

The first batch were a relatively weak group, especially when compared to what we had to look forward to in Semi Finals 2, so here’s a rundown of the highlights and low lights of the first night (I’m only mentioning those worthwhile – please note I’ve already mentioned San Marino, Latvia and Montenegro):

Iceland: The male singer’s eyes were incredibly intense and the female singer had way too much fake tan on, but their song was solid and there was no doubt they would get through.

Belgium: Sam Pang put it best when he said ‘What is Eurovision but a platform for a girl, dressed in white, singing a slow ballad’ and Iris didn’t disappoint with her sweet song about being in love with a boy who obviously wasn’t all that committed to her.

Albania: Gave me nightmares! Like a creepier Bjork, if that’s possible. She was hitting notes only a dog could hear.

Greece: Greece couldn’t afford full costumes, so they dressed the male dancers in pillow cases and gave the girls half a costume each. Thrifty! The song was fun, even if it didn’t make much sense…

Cyprus: Anne Hathaway’s doppelganger came out with a club anthem that will be playing in Europe for years to come. La La Love is exactly why I watch Eurovision: matching outfits, fun lyrics and dance moves that are reminiscent of high school musical productions.

Denmark: Denmark sent Jewel in British Royal Guard shoulder pads and a sailor’s cap – I don’t think the girl knew which defence sector she wanted to join! She even sang a song you could totally hear Jewel singing.

Russia: Bribing the audience with baked goods, these Russian grannies broke serious Health & Safety rules when they took the hot tray from the oven without oven mits! They must have asbestos hands, as Nigella Lawson would say. I liked that Russia managed to find a bunch of decrepit women in traditional dress who were willing to sing pure, unadulterated Europop on stage. Magical!

Hungary: Compact Disco must come from a town too poor to know that in the 21st century we no longer listen to CD’s. They should’ve called themselves MP3-o. Awful song.

Romania: So. Much. Fun! In Eurovision they only allow six people on stage at a time, so the group had to leave the trombone player out in the green room… Not sure why that mattered, as none of the ‘musicians’ played their instruments on the stage.

Moldova: I think my buddy Kris put it best when he wondered if Moldova were trialling a new sort of metallic spray on tan on the dancers legs – as that is EXACTLY what their skin-coloured metallic leggings looked like! The song was catchy, but like all former Moldovan entries I was pretty sure they had plucked this crew straight from the circus! If I took my knowledge of Moldova from Eurovision alone, I would believe they were a nation of circus freaks – especially if you look at their last few entries.

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Ireland: OH JEDWARD! You are flawless, even if you can only JUST sing (much like our idol Britney Spears). I was so thrilled to see Ireland sent these ridiculous, tower-haired, matching-sequined twins again. Jedward are pure Eurovision and Waterline, although not as good as Lipstick, was catchy and their silver Power Ranger-esque outfits brought a certain magic to the stage that many of the other acts lacked. In my eyes, Jedward could do no wrong. They were CHEATED out of victory last year! Cheated I tell you!

Semi Finals 2, as I mentioned, was a stronger cohort of songs and performers (bar Jedward, who are flawless, as I mentioned).

Serbia: Zeljko is a Eurovision favourite and his song this year was a solid entry, but no surprises there.

Macedonia: Lots of look-a-likes this year, this one was Catherine Zeta Jones

Netherlands: Another look-a-like! Hello young Cher, I wasn’t aware you were Dutch.

Malta: The man in the yellow pants kept trying to get in front of the singer – allegedly they are best friends, but I’d argue yellow pants was just jealous his buddy was singing and so he stole the spotlight! They had nifty footwork though, which made the performance memorable.

Belarus: Disappointed these guys didn’t get through – their song was catchy and although a little conceited, it was definitely better than many of the songs that got through.

Slovenia: In the video clip the backup singers were wearing amazing tulle hair pieces that towered above them. I would argue they lost votes by not wearing these during the semi finals.

Sweden: This was the stand out from the beginning. Loreen had it in the bag – her song was fabulous, her dancing was flawless and the excessive use of the wind machine had Eurovision fanatic swept away in her performance. However, someone forgot to put the lights on and she had to perform in the dark… Awkward.

Georgia: My namesake sent a real creeper this year, but the song grew on me and he had amazing back up singers/dancers in very Gaga-esque outfits that I thoroughly enjoyed.

Turkey: What an adorable front man, and the dancers all formed a boat around him and that was fabulous! Good use of costumes!

Estonia: This guy looked like Neil Patrick Harris. See what I mean by many look-a-likes?

Slovakia: Slovakia’s audition for Rock of Ages. Very 80s hair metal, very enjoyable.

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Norway: Tooji sang that he didn’t know what he was doing tonight. Well Tooji, I am available… any night, for you. I couldn’t believe he came last in the finals! LAST! A total of 7 points! TOOJI IS GORGEOUS! Also his dance moves were hot and he had amazing hair and tight clothes and… oh, Tooji. He should’ve been up in the top ten!

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Jedward want their shoulder pads back… oh and your song was boring.

Ukraine: Gaitana for Queen of Mardi Gras 2013! Classic gay anthem, although she sang about being her guest, so I didn’t understand why there weren’t any dancing cutlery and feather dusters a la Beauty and the Beast… Gaitana overcame the 6-people-only-on-stage rule by utilising a CGI rent-a-crowd. Nifty.

Lithuania: Donny came out in a rhinestoned blindfold – because he was singing about how love was blind and what better way to represent that in his performance than by blinging out a blindfold? Donny was also ADORABLE and danced like Michael Jackson. I liked Donny.

While the votes were counted we were treated to an interval performance of past winners singing their winning songs. We got the woman who looks like Penny Wong from Serbia, Russia’s Dima Bilan, Alexander Rybak and his wonderful violin playing, Lena singing about her blue underwear (was she wearing it?) and of course last year’s winners Nikki and El. Because Nikki and El would be performing ‘Running Scared’ at the opening of the finals, they chose to come out with Waterloo… and BUTCHERED IT! Nikki, without ABBA, Eurovision wouldn’t be where it is today and you wouldn’t be where you are – show some respect, learn the words to the greatest song every to come out of Europe!

Finals: (Here I will only mention Azerbaijan and the big five because they didn’t perform on the other nights)

UK: The night kicked off with Engelbert Humperdinck, or as I like to call him: ‘Hump-a-dick’. Such a has-been. He was over tanned, over saggy and overly dull. WHAT A SHITTY SONG! UK, if you want to be taken seriously in Eurovision, you need to take Eurovision seriously. Sending Blue last year was a great idea! They are pure cheesy euro-pop and their outfits were ridiculous. Take a few pages from Moldova’s book: send circus freaks!

France: Another country I expected to fare better – half naked male dancers and a catchy tune, what more could you want? Nothing, that’s what!

Spain: I fell asleep. But I did notice that her face barely moved, too much botox, perhaps?

Germany: Roman Lob sang about standing still… while moving around. I don’t think he understood what he was singing about…

Italy: AMY WINEHOUSE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO REPRESENT ITALY! The song was fun, but a little forgetful. Maybe next year, Italy.

Azerbaijan: Just like the piece of turd song that won last year’s Eurovision (god only knows how), Azerbaijan sent a dull, lifeless song about music dying. Her outfit was fabulous though! Rhinestones and feathers! Love!

In previous years, between the songs, each country has had a little “postcard” made about it – a little ode to the country. In Germany 2011 they found people from each country who lived in Germany and filmed them, in another year they had a model’s hair constructed into each country’s land mark. Azerbaijan didn’t do postcards for each of the countries – instead they did postcards about Azerbaijan. During the evening I learned the following things about our host country:

Azerbaijan is the land of water

Azerbaijan is the land of horses

Azerbaijan is the land of carpets

Azerbaijan is the land of abundance

Azerbaijan is the land of poetry

…The list went on. I wasn’t aware that Azerbaijan was all of these things? Did you know horses came from Azerbaijan? Or that it was where all water came from? (Jedward were lucky they were in the land of water! How else would they have been able to perform with their fountain if they were in a land not of water?)

Oh Azerbaijan…

Of course I was disappointed to see Jedward go home again empty handed, but I think Sweden was incredibly deserving of the crown and I can’t wait for next year! I am crossing my fingers for ABBA 2013! Make it happen, Sweden!

The only thing that disappointed me at this year’s Eurovision was the severe lack of costume changes… In fact, I don’t think I saw any!!! Horrendous! Sweden 2013 better pick up its game, I loves me a good old fashioned costume change.

I wish Eurovision was every week…

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