It’s been just over a week since Eurovision ended for 2013 and as is customary, I have brought my blog out of retirement in honour of the campest, most ridiculous week of Europop.

Before we get down to the highlights of the big finale, let’s cast our minds brielfy back to the semi finals:

Semi Final 1

I got a little bit excited when Loreen opened the semi final – not only cos it was spectacular and I adore her, but also because I HOPED WITH EVERY LITTLE FIBRE OF MY BEING that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that the wonderful, iconic Swedish winners of Eurovision would make a special appearance at the final. Yes, I hoped ABBA would reform for one night only. A girl can dream.

A few honourable mentions for the night:

AUSTRIA: Not a bad effort, but opening the first semi final AND being a little lacklustre on stage, meant poor Austria was never going to qualify for finals.

SLOVENIA: Straight Into Love was a FANTASTIC song! So catchy and on the night, I think Hannah shone. How dare you not put her through, Europe!

MONTENEGRO: The astronaut suits and robot lady singer were fun, but it seems Europe is bored with gimmicks? I love gimmicks.

That pearl caplet is supposed to represent angel wings.

SERBIA: Dear Serbia has a history of high quality Eurovision entries, from Nina’s kitschy Caroban to my all time favourite, gender-bending Milan Stankovic. I enjoyed their performance but the clear angel/devil theme of the song (the two brunette girls) was lose in the Katy Perry costuming. They went too abstract and missed the mark!

Cyprus made me yawn and Croatia was just a bit too old man for most of us.

Semi Final 2

LATVIA: These super adorable, super sparkly, super cheesy boys just didn’t make it through. WHY ON EARTH NOT? Europe, why did you deprive yourself (and me) of seeing two hyperactive twinks in sequin tuxedos again? Poor effort.

SAN MARINO: I had no idea Valentina could sing – last year she was TERRIBLE! This was amazing. Poor effort, Europe, for not giving San Marino points for amazing comeback.

SWITZERLAND: I haven’t enjoyed Switzerland’s entry for YEARS, but I liked this… Although I wonder if it’s mostly because of the two incredibly beautiful men they threw in for good measure?

Macedonia sent Ursula, Bulgaria sent a madwoman, Israel dressed their beautiful, curvy songstress like she was a sausage in casing (revolting) and Albania – well I can’t even remember what you sang so you were obviously shite.


ABBA didn’t open the show… but they were there, kinda… Benny and Bjorn’s Eurovision theme song opened the show, so that’s basically as close as we’re going to get. It counts, right?

HOMOEROTICA: Most people called this the year of the ballad, but for me it was the year of homoerotica gone wild. Eurovision frequently features some very camp acts but Ireland and Romania knocked it out of the park this year with some truly wonderful, unforgettable oiled-up, muscular and downright queer performances. I relished every second of it.

Ireland’s slick, musculr backup dancers!

IRELAND: How did Ryan Dolan come last? He had a catchy song, sassy fag hag back-up singers and sweaty, muscular men in tight, tight leather pants banging drums. It was all too gay and it no doubt turned on every woman and gay man around the world. Mind you, pelvic-thrusting Tooji got the wooden spoon last year and he was amazing. Europe is a prude.

Cezar is beautiful and he knows it.

ROMANIA: Europe may be a prude but they love things that sparkle and oh did Cezar sparkle. Literally, he sparkled with his Adam Lambert/gay vampire/Phantom of the Opera/just flat out queer performance. There were basically naked dancers, more rhinestones than a Dolly Parton concert, an entire army of wind machines and billowing fabric and a voice so high that only dogs could hear it. It was WONDERFUL and I desperately want Cezar in and around my life full time. Cezar did ok in the voting, but he still didn’t make top ten, so actually… Europe is still pretty prudish by my calculations.

EYEBROWS: This was also the year of eyebrows, lots of very special, very distinct eyebrows. Lithuania, Belgium, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Malta, Italy… Eurovision was all about the eyebrows!

What a babe!

LITHUANIA: What a babe, although he was a bit of a whinger, complaining about his shoes being painful the whole song. I would’ve liked to get a closer look at these allegedly horrid shoes and why they were inflicting his ability to completely be in love. Why not take a leaf out of Denmark’s book at ditch the shoes? His eyebrows moved more than any others during his performance.

These dancers look like they’re about to slap poor little Roberto

BELGIUM: Caterpillars had made their home on beautiful Belgium’s face and it was clearly making him uncomfortable, poor love could not have been more awkward on that stage! Song wasn’t nearly the best there, but his vocals helped – as did the pelvic thrusting backup dancers.

Catch more! Catch more! We need to win that money!

AZERBAIJAN: Azerbaijan always sends quality acts (not including the year they won, Running Scared was a TERRIBLE song and should not have won) and this was no exception. The song was heart wrenchingly wonderful and I loved his eyebrows and the ‘shadow in the box’ and the lady with the forever long red train. I could have watched this forever. Is he available? I’d like to wife him. Why couldn’t Azerbaijan won with a song like this instead of that bullshit Running Up Stairs song?

ARMENIA: Terrible song, terrible double denim, terrible facial hair. Nuff said.

MALTA: Adorable. Abso-friggin-lutely adorable. I liked that he couldn’t wipe the smile that was literally plastered to his face, I liked his little vest and his sweet little song that was so very ‘500 Days of Summer’. I would eat this song.

ITALY: I don’t even remember this song, but I remember him looking very bored and wearing the hand-me-down shiny blue suits from Blue a few years ago. LE BLEH!

SASS: Eurovision is usually full of sassy girls and this year they brought sass like nobody else.

FRANCE: Oh you sassy bitch, you, singing about hell and you in that leather tassel dress. You opened the show like you owned the place. Love it!

Sneaky lesbian kissing!

FINLAND: During the semi finals I thought Finland had found a way to bend the ‘six people maximum on stage’ rule by tag-teaming the groomsmen off and the bridesmaids on. I TOTALLY MISSED THE GENDER BENDING COSTUME REVEAL THE FIRST TIME AROUND! Costume reveal of the night, hands down! But did the song set feminism back 50 years or propel the marriage equality movement forward? It’s unclear. What is clear is that the song was fun and I’ve had it stuck in my head since. I also liked her trashy 80’s style wedding dress.

NORWAY: Margaret fed me her love, she fed me and I thought it was delicious. I also liked the white dress, very Eurovision – and I crave her hair, spectacular!. Seriously how is this woman NOT an international pop sensation? I’m requesting I Feed You My Love next time I go out!

SWEDEN: You sassy bitch, Sweden. Oh wait, you’re a dude! You’re still a sassy bitch in my eyes, babes.

GERMANY: Oh Cascada, evacuate the dance floor cos every time we touch I get this feeling… Glorious! So glorious! I especially enjoyed that massive clear Perspex staircase and the sparkly mullet dress. This song is the one that will be the most successful from Eurovision, cos it’s club friendly.

UKRAINE: Ukraine made me want to give up walking and hire a giant Viking man to carry me around because I am a butterfly. This song was incredibly catchy and she delivered it with purpose, no wonder Zlata ranked in third with the voting.

MOLDOVA: Lady, who designed your amazing starry night/fire dress? Craaaaaaaaaaave.

BELARUS: Belarus sent the Ruslana (Wild Dances, 2004 Winner) of the iGeneration. The song was remarkably similar, as was the style of dance. But Belarus jumped out of a disco ball in a silver tassel outfit – so very new agey!

Of course, we cannot forget the collaborations Eurovision creates. Greece and Georgia both submitted collaborative entries, but one of them reminded me of former Eurovision contestants…

Thinks alcohol is free, causes entire Greek economic downfall.

GREECE: It seems that Greece has lots of economic problems because some people are under the assumption that alcohol is free. Oops! I enjoyed the gothic cheerleader outfits and the Irish River Dancing they busted out to their ska style music. Thought they might win there for a second… lucky they didn’t! Germany doesn’t want to pay for another Eurovision for a while, methinks.

GEORGIA: Chanee and N’evergreen from Denmark (2010) moved to Georgia, edited their song slightly and dressed up as a Disney princess and her prince. It was a great performance, but yawn, been there, done that.


And who could forget the rest… Actually, I did. They were terrible and that’s why they’ve been relegated to the rest:

SPAIN: I yawn and I yawn again. Actually, the song isn’t the worst, but it’s so generic it gets lost in the crowd and the performance gave me NOTHING!

ESTONIA: I know you’re pregnant and your ankles must be so swollen, but your song was le bore.

RUSSIA: What if… you just go away now. Plskthnx.

NETHERLANDS: Anouk, where were you when Hitchcock was making movies? That song was creepy and now I have nightmares. Thanks.

ICELAND: Yellow leaf, yellow leaf… oh that’s not what the beautiful Viking was saying? He’s a pretty face, why bother to be more?

HUNGARY: Who knew Hungary was actually a place in inner-city Melbourne? This was the kind of hipster trash that makes people angry about hipsters.

UK: Bonnie Tyler, you are a hot mess, go back to retirement. I love you but lord that was embarrassing.

Oh… who have I forgotten? OF COURSE! The winner!

DENMARK: This song felt like a call to arms, a battle song, it made me want to get up and do something, anything, maybe learn the tin whistle? A worthy Eurovision winner, if I may say so. I really love this song, really, really, really! And so convenient, with Copenhagen just 16km across that bridge, they can just move everything over on a few trucks. Done!

After all of the songs, we got a SPECIAL FUN TIME PERFORMANCE from LOREEN! It was actually amazing, and I love that they featured her twice. SHE IS THAT AMAZING! She probably should’ve won this year, Denmark was awesome, but Emmelie is no Loreen. I also LOVED the homage to all things Swedish – Petra was the most wonderful host and I would like to vote for her to host every Eurovision going forward… Denmark, are you listening? HIRE PETRA AND HER WHACK OUTFITS! Let her do a song about Denmark like she did about Sweden. I especially loved those dancing meatballs – does Denmark have any foodstuffs they can make dance for next year?

So that’s my annual Eurovision wrap up. What fun it was! I drank too much Rekordelig, ate too many IKEA meatballs and gave myself a third degree burn on an IKEA Cinnamon Bun – oh Sweden, I love you. Can Petra come to my next birthday?