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It just so happens that I haven’t seen TWILIGHTTHEMOVIE once BUT INFACT I WENT A SECOND TIME WITH MY CO-WORKERS!

Both times I watched TWILIGHTTHEMOVIE my snack of choice was red liquorice – as for many years now I have felt that if a vampire was going to give up drinking human blood, they would munch on red liquorice. Of course, unlike Stephenie Meyer and Dr. “even my name reaks sex” Carlisle Cullen, I didn’t think to consider that maybe animal blood would be a more realistic and viable alternative. I only just saw the awesome that red liquorice embodies in all its chewy, blood-red goodness.

And of course, at both sessions, when James sexy-sniffed the air and said: “You brought a snack?”, I reached over for my red liquorice and offered some to the vampire au natural, hoping he might leave Bella’s bloody alone and come after my red liquorice… and me. But more on that later.

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For probably the most hilarious and best (but, simultaneously, the most tragic and lame) TWILIGHTTHEMOVIE review, please check out

The movie opens with the prologue from the book, about how Bella would die in the place of someone she loved, blah blah, and bookhaters/moviegoers all go “aww Edward”, except that real Twilighers know that Bella is totally talking about her weirdo mother who is a totaly scatz-brain who says things like “omg is he a jock?” like people actually still use that stereotype! (We ‘young’ns’ prefer the phrase “meathead dickwad” nowadays)

And then, it turns out that our beloved Bella has a PET CACTUS which she pets (pretty sure cactus are not for petting) and she carries it everywhere… well, it disappears when Edward shows. Ooh, little cactus, you just weren’t cuddly enough. Rejection. Bella prefers to hug stone vampire boys – I imagine it’s much like hugging the bathroom floor, which is certainly preferable to your little spikes, oh cacti.

Jacob gives Bella her truck and he has long hair and it’s lush looking and kinda girly – it looks like he’s wearing a headband. But we all deal cos we know it gets chopped off in New Moon. Good.

Then, Bella goes to school and everyone is like “OMG NEW GIRL HAWT” and it’s all a whole bunch of sexual assault. Tyler runs up to Bella and kisses her – not even knowing her name, just staking his claim cos he thinks shes hot… Honestly! Any normal new girl would shout ‘RAPE!’ and run run away.

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Ok, a few honest moments:

1. Mike was perfect, with his misty blue eyes and “jock” jacket. (Oh wait… I mean meathead dickwad jacket. Oops, my bad.)

2. Jessica and Mike’s sexual tension might have maybe possibly just a little bit TRUMPED Edward and Bella’s. This is most evident when Bella hits Mike on the head with a volleyball and Jessica runs in and giggles like the idiot school girl that she is and we all know she is mentally undressing him, cos she’s a dirty perv too.

3. Eric is so cool and so Asian. He’s one of those dweeby types who so so so wants to be cool, but still wears the customary dweeb button up shirt and tie ensemble to school, regardless. He also says things like “homegirl” and runs the school newspaper, nuff said.

Of course, by now we’re getting annoyed – where are the Cullens? Excuse me, I pretty much only came to see them!

Duhn duhn duhn!!!!

The Cullens come marching two by two! Hurrah! Hurrah!

The Cullens come marching two by two! Hurrah Hurrah!

The Cullens come marching two by two! But not the last one, he’s Eddie-poo!

And they all go marching… into the cafeteria! YAY!

Boom! Boom! Boom!

So there’s some Rosalie and some Emmett and some Jasper and SOME ALICE!

Alice is made of pure awesome. Like, you could market her and her slogan would be: Alice: 100% MADE OF AWESOME! And it would be honest advertising. No joke. Just go see the movie for Alice. And maybe the baseball… But Alice is IN the baseball scene, so really you’re still going for Alice.

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Now see, I have to catch an airplane in like… 12 hours. I shall try my absolute best to finish my review before I leave – but no promises. To keep you going, I have posted all the fun images that will be accompanying this review below:

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If I don’t, I know you’ll miss me! I’ll miss you! And um… I’ll postcard you if you send me your address!

xoxo

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLA! You might’ve stopped ageing, but that won’t stop us celebrating!

(Also, happy birthday to Renesmee on the 11th of Sept, and please stop growing so fast, alright?)

Yeah shut up all you anti-Twilighters and let me celebrate.