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It’s been just over a week since Eurovision ended for 2013 and as is customary, I have brought my blog out of retirement in honour of the campest, most ridiculous week of Europop.

Before we get down to the highlights of the big finale, let’s cast our minds brielfy back to the semi finals:

Semi Final 1

I got a little bit excited when Loreen opened the semi final – not only cos it was spectacular and I adore her, but also because I HOPED WITH EVERY LITTLE FIBRE OF MY BEING that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that the wonderful, iconic Swedish winners of Eurovision would make a special appearance at the final. Yes, I hoped ABBA would reform for one night only. A girl can dream.

A few honourable mentions for the night:

AUSTRIA: Not a bad effort, but opening the first semi final AND being a little lacklustre on stage, meant poor Austria was never going to qualify for finals.

SLOVENIA: Straight Into Love was a FANTASTIC song! So catchy and on the night, I think Hannah shone. How dare you not put her through, Europe!

MONTENEGRO: The astronaut suits and robot lady singer were fun, but it seems Europe is bored with gimmicks? I love gimmicks.

That pearl caplet is supposed to represent angel wings.

SERBIA: Dear Serbia has a history of high quality Eurovision entries, from Nina’s kitschy Caroban to my all time favourite, gender-bending Milan Stankovic. I enjoyed their performance but the clear angel/devil theme of the song (the two brunette girls) was lose in the Katy Perry costuming. They went too abstract and missed the mark!

Cyprus made me yawn and Croatia was just a bit too old man for most of us.

Semi Final 2

LATVIA: These super adorable, super sparkly, super cheesy boys just didn’t make it through. WHY ON EARTH NOT? Europe, why did you deprive yourself (and me) of seeing two hyperactive twinks in sequin tuxedos again? Poor effort.

SAN MARINO: I had no idea Valentina could sing – last year she was TERRIBLE! This was amazing. Poor effort, Europe, for not giving San Marino points for amazing comeback.

SWITZERLAND: I haven’t enjoyed Switzerland’s entry for YEARS, but I liked this… Although I wonder if it’s mostly because of the two incredibly beautiful men they threw in for good measure?

Macedonia sent Ursula, Bulgaria sent a madwoman, Israel dressed their beautiful, curvy songstress like she was a sausage in casing (revolting) and Albania – well I can’t even remember what you sang so you were obviously shite.

THE GRANDE FINALE

ABBA didn’t open the show… but they were there, kinda… Benny and Bjorn’s Eurovision theme song opened the show, so that’s basically as close as we’re going to get. It counts, right?

HOMOEROTICA: Most people called this the year of the ballad, but for me it was the year of homoerotica gone wild. Eurovision frequently features some very camp acts but Ireland and Romania knocked it out of the park this year with some truly wonderful, unforgettable oiled-up, muscular and downright queer performances. I relished every second of it.

Ireland’s slick, musculr backup dancers!

IRELAND: How did Ryan Dolan come last? He had a catchy song, sassy fag hag back-up singers and sweaty, muscular men in tight, tight leather pants banging drums. It was all too gay and it no doubt turned on every woman and gay man around the world. Mind you, pelvic-thrusting Tooji got the wooden spoon last year and he was amazing. Europe is a prude.

Cezar is beautiful and he knows it.

ROMANIA: Europe may be a prude but they love things that sparkle and oh did Cezar sparkle. Literally, he sparkled with his Adam Lambert/gay vampire/Phantom of the Opera/just flat out queer performance. There were basically naked dancers, more rhinestones than a Dolly Parton concert, an entire army of wind machines and billowing fabric and a voice so high that only dogs could hear it. It was WONDERFUL and I desperately want Cezar in and around my life full time. Cezar did ok in the voting, but he still didn’t make top ten, so actually… Europe is still pretty prudish by my calculations.

EYEBROWS: This was also the year of eyebrows, lots of very special, very distinct eyebrows. Lithuania, Belgium, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Malta, Italy… Eurovision was all about the eyebrows!

What a babe!

LITHUANIA: What a babe, although he was a bit of a whinger, complaining about his shoes being painful the whole song. I would’ve liked to get a closer look at these allegedly horrid shoes and why they were inflicting his ability to completely be in love. Why not take a leaf out of Denmark’s book at ditch the shoes? His eyebrows moved more than any others during his performance.

These dancers look like they’re about to slap poor little Roberto

BELGIUM: Caterpillars had made their home on beautiful Belgium’s face and it was clearly making him uncomfortable, poor love could not have been more awkward on that stage! Song wasn’t nearly the best there, but his vocals helped – as did the pelvic thrusting backup dancers.

Catch more! Catch more! We need to win that money!

AZERBAIJAN: Azerbaijan always sends quality acts (not including the year they won, Running Scared was a TERRIBLE song and should not have won) and this was no exception. The song was heart wrenchingly wonderful and I loved his eyebrows and the ‘shadow in the box’ and the lady with the forever long red train. I could have watched this forever. Is he available? I’d like to wife him. Why couldn’t Azerbaijan won with a song like this instead of that bullshit Running Up Stairs song?

ARMENIA: Terrible song, terrible double denim, terrible facial hair. Nuff said.

MALTA: Adorable. Abso-friggin-lutely adorable. I liked that he couldn’t wipe the smile that was literally plastered to his face, I liked his little vest and his sweet little song that was so very ‘500 Days of Summer’. I would eat this song.

ITALY: I don’t even remember this song, but I remember him looking very bored and wearing the hand-me-down shiny blue suits from Blue a few years ago. LE BLEH!

SASS: Eurovision is usually full of sassy girls and this year they brought sass like nobody else.

FRANCE: Oh you sassy bitch, you, singing about hell and you in that leather tassel dress. You opened the show like you owned the place. Love it!

Sneaky lesbian kissing!

FINLAND: During the semi finals I thought Finland had found a way to bend the ‘six people maximum on stage’ rule by tag-teaming the groomsmen off and the bridesmaids on. I TOTALLY MISSED THE GENDER BENDING COSTUME REVEAL THE FIRST TIME AROUND! Costume reveal of the night, hands down! But did the song set feminism back 50 years or propel the marriage equality movement forward? It’s unclear. What is clear is that the song was fun and I’ve had it stuck in my head since. I also liked her trashy 80’s style wedding dress.

NORWAY: Margaret fed me her love, she fed me and I thought it was delicious. I also liked the white dress, very Eurovision – and I crave her hair, spectacular!. Seriously how is this woman NOT an international pop sensation? I’m requesting I Feed You My Love next time I go out!

SWEDEN: You sassy bitch, Sweden. Oh wait, you’re a dude! You’re still a sassy bitch in my eyes, babes.

GERMANY: Oh Cascada, evacuate the dance floor cos every time we touch I get this feeling… Glorious! So glorious! I especially enjoyed that massive clear Perspex staircase and the sparkly mullet dress. This song is the one that will be the most successful from Eurovision, cos it’s club friendly.

UKRAINE: Ukraine made me want to give up walking and hire a giant Viking man to carry me around because I am a butterfly. This song was incredibly catchy and she delivered it with purpose, no wonder Zlata ranked in third with the voting.

MOLDOVA: Lady, who designed your amazing starry night/fire dress? Craaaaaaaaaaave.

BELARUS: Belarus sent the Ruslana (Wild Dances, 2004 Winner) of the iGeneration. The song was remarkably similar, as was the style of dance. But Belarus jumped out of a disco ball in a silver tassel outfit – so very new agey!

Of course, we cannot forget the collaborations Eurovision creates. Greece and Georgia both submitted collaborative entries, but one of them reminded me of former Eurovision contestants…

Thinks alcohol is free, causes entire Greek economic downfall.

GREECE: It seems that Greece has lots of economic problems because some people are under the assumption that alcohol is free. Oops! I enjoyed the gothic cheerleader outfits and the Irish River Dancing they busted out to their ska style music. Thought they might win there for a second… lucky they didn’t! Germany doesn’t want to pay for another Eurovision for a while, methinks.

GEORGIA: Chanee and N’evergreen from Denmark (2010) moved to Georgia, edited their song slightly and dressed up as a Disney princess and her prince. It was a great performance, but yawn, been there, done that.

EVERYONE ELSE:

And who could forget the rest… Actually, I did. They were terrible and that’s why they’ve been relegated to the rest:

SPAIN: I yawn and I yawn again. Actually, the song isn’t the worst, but it’s so generic it gets lost in the crowd and the performance gave me NOTHING!

ESTONIA: I know you’re pregnant and your ankles must be so swollen, but your song was le bore.

RUSSIA: What if… you just go away now. Plskthnx.

NETHERLANDS: Anouk, where were you when Hitchcock was making movies? That song was creepy and now I have nightmares. Thanks.

ICELAND: Yellow leaf, yellow leaf… oh that’s not what the beautiful Viking was saying? He’s a pretty face, why bother to be more?

HUNGARY: Who knew Hungary was actually a place in inner-city Melbourne? This was the kind of hipster trash that makes people angry about hipsters.

UK: Bonnie Tyler, you are a hot mess, go back to retirement. I love you but lord that was embarrassing.

Oh… who have I forgotten? OF COURSE! The winner!

https://georgiaonafasttrain.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/19d26-1.jpg

DENMARK: This song felt like a call to arms, a battle song, it made me want to get up and do something, anything, maybe learn the tin whistle? A worthy Eurovision winner, if I may say so. I really love this song, really, really, really! And so convenient, with Copenhagen just 16km across that bridge, they can just move everything over on a few trucks. Done!

After all of the songs, we got a SPECIAL FUN TIME PERFORMANCE from LOREEN! It was actually amazing, and I love that they featured her twice. SHE IS THAT AMAZING! She probably should’ve won this year, Denmark was awesome, but Emmelie is no Loreen. I also LOVED the homage to all things Swedish – Petra was the most wonderful host and I would like to vote for her to host every Eurovision going forward… Denmark, are you listening? HIRE PETRA AND HER WHACK OUTFITS! Let her do a song about Denmark like she did about Sweden. I especially loved those dancing meatballs – does Denmark have any foodstuffs they can make dance for next year?

So that’s my annual Eurovision wrap up. What fun it was! I drank too much Rekordelig, ate too many IKEA meatballs and gave myself a third degree burn on an IKEA Cinnamon Bun – oh Sweden, I love you. Can Petra come to my next birthday?

I love Eurovision. It is everything I could possibly want in a music competition: it’s not too long, it doesn’t have stupidly annoying judges making cliche comments and it is always bloody hilarious.

So of course, excited by the fact that Norway was hosting, I sat down to watch every single second of Eurovision this weekend just past, from the opening of the first semi-final right through to the closing credits of the finale.

Once again, Julia Zemiro and Sam Pang were brilliant hosts, but everybody already knows that! So onto the actual show: my highlights and lowlights.

Highlights:
Rybak
The return of Alexander Rybak: Hooray! I was so thrilled to see him open the finale! I mean… I knew it was going to happen, but it was still just so exciting. He is amazing, I wish he was on my television every day.

Lithuania: EXCUSE ME! How did these five boys NOT get through to the finale? Hell, they should’ve won! Without a doubt, InCulto’s ‘Eastern European Funk’ was the absolute best song in the competition, and the fact that they pulled off their matching plaid pants to reveal matching sequinned shorts just made it all the more fabulous!
Lithuania
Spectacular, really!

Moldova: Hello first Lady Gaga-esque costume for the show! I want that dress… The song was pretty awesome too, and featured some funky neon-light up violin playing. Clearly Alexander Rybak had influenced some of the countries’ entries, as this was hardly the last violin we saw at Eurovision this year!
Moldova!

Spain: Oddly enough, those who usually insta-qualify for a place in the finale (the UK, France, Spain, Germany and the previous years winning country) are the worst, but Spain was pretty wicked sweet this year. Their vocalist is currently starring in Spanish Mamma Mia, and the circus-themed back up dancers were truly entertaining. It was only made better when some Spanish rogue jumped on stage and joined in their performance (he was later arrested) – that ensured everyone sat up and listened. And although it didn’t seem to affect Spain’s performance, they were allowed to re-perform at the end of the finalists-run, to ensure fair voting or something like that…
Spain

France: These guys cetainly had the most body-isolation dance moves (see: gyrating/hip thrusting) and a song that I can see being played on repeat in all French clubs for the next… well forever. It was very Polynesian-French, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they’d stolen Jessy Matador from La Reunion or New Caledonia. Allez, Ola, Ole France!
France

Greece: Whilst it was doubtful that they could actually AFFORD to host next years Eurovision, Greece still felt the need to put up a strong contestant in Giorgos Alkaios, with his song OPA! It looked as though Greece had recycled last years costumes (maybe due to the economic crisis?), but they didn’t let us down with their performance. I especially liked the pyrotechnics in the drums. 🙂
Greece

Albania: Aside from the nappy-pants she was wearing, Juliana Pasha’s performance was perfect, both in the semi and at the final. Hooray her!
Albania
She also had the best dressed back up dancers! Juliana, take a que from them… they were not wearing icky nappy-pants!
Albania2

Germany: The winning country no doubt had the best song that made the finale (I still resent the fact that Lithuania didn’t get through…), but little Lena lacked the theatricality we have come to expect from Eurovision. She wore a little black dress, with black stockings and black heels. Her back-up singers were dressed similarly, and there was absolutely NO choreography! The song was great, yes – and it deserved to win. But please Germany, more theatrics next year! I beg you!
Germany

Georgia: Their success made me happy, as I feel a spiritual bond to my namesake nation, however we were playing the Eurovision drinking game and I had to drink everytime my name was said… This was particularly fun in the vote-counting as Georgia received many points – but I was very drunk by the end. Didn’t help that Ireland’s entry’s surname is my middle name. More drinking for me!
I love me.
Georgia!

And finally, Serbia: Is it a man? Is it a woman? Is it somewhere inbetween? No one was really sure (ok it turned out he was a man!), but that didn’t stop little Milan Stankovic, with his funny haircut and pink boots, giving it his all with his ridiculouly catchy song ‘Ovo Je Balkan’. By the end of his three minutes on stage, I was determined to make him my pet… He would follow me around and I could teach him fun tricks like catch and roll over. What fun we would have!
Seria2
Little Stankovic’s back-up dancers were shockingly out-of-time, which was disappointing, and was probably a factor in his failing to garner more votes. But one thing was sure: the best lyrics of the night went to Serbia. According to the translation on the Eurovision website, one line was: “your chest is tempting me”. Hooray little Serbia! I love your super-strange lyrics Please never leave me.
Serbia
p.s. wtf teddy bear detail on belt and jacket

Many of the other songs were great… Russia was particularly hilarious, they sung to a shoddy drawing of a girl, and it didn’t matter what Norway was singing about, he was H-O-T hot! Romania’s lady singer couldn’t move very well in her skin-tight leather bodysuit, but they were still pretty awesome. Denmark was a bit overrated, to be honest. Iceland was pretty sweet deal, except she should’ve had a volcano or ash or something hilarious like that. Armenia’s Apricot Stone was one of the weirder songs, but not half as weird as Ukraine’s Avril Lavigne-lookalike. Israel was pretty to look at, but I couldn’t tell what he was singing about… And normally I can tell, regardless of the language. I liked Azerbajan’s (sp?) light-up dress, but I think she could’ve given us more dancing, after all, she worked with Beyonce’s choreography! Belguim was boring. Belarus were dull, except the butterfly wings were pretty cool. The UK’s Josh Debovie was cute, but his back up singers were out of tune and his song lacked depth.

Yeah, some of them were crap (Belarus, Belgium), but bah to them! Honestly the only real negative thing I have to say about Eurovision this year is: EXCUSE ME! WHY DIDN’T LITHUANIA WIN? So offended! (I could honestly rant on all day, but I won’t!)

Til next year, my beloved Eurovision. 🙂

Georgia out!

p.s. lol the UK came last, and he wasn’t even that bad! Belarus was balls – so freaking dull, sorry!

Ah Eurovision, you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you gave us ABBA and you gave us Lordi and you gave us those crazy Lativans who sang about being Wolves of the Sea. You are perfect, dear Eurovision.

Infact, dearest Eurovision love, you have managed to top yourself this year, because you gave Europe (and the world, aka me) this perfect manboy:

AlexandeRyback

And for this, Eurovision, I thank you profusely. For bestowing this perfect Norwegian hottie violin dancey crazy man upon us to admire and love and adore and, well frankly, drool over for always and forever, I thank you.

Infact, this years Eurovision was pretty epic. But did anyone else notice the severve lack of comedy acts? Were they just swept under the rug in the semi finals this year? Because I did notice their absence and I did miss them so!

So I’m going to recap my favourite moments of Eurovision this year, rather than rant on about the perfection that is Alexander Rybak for the rest of the post! (But let it be known, he was my favourite moment ever.)

Ok, so I loved the opening act. I loved Mr Russian Hottie who won last years Eurovision Contest, I loved it when he was hoisted into the air, I loved his wardrobe malfunction (even if it wasn’t quite as epic as Janet Jackson’s all those years ago) and I loved how he pulled off those tight white pants and tight white (leather?) shirt and sang his winning song from 2008 and ran through those white wall things and broke them to represent his life.

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I also really liked that he managed to get hot since the last time we saw him! I’m pretty sure I remember him being kinda average looking…

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I just thought this lady was awesome. She was singing way too fast for me to even consider translating, although I got the title, something like “Why Must I/We…” It was awesome, she was awesome.

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Portugal, with their bright, psychadelic swirls that would scare even Austin Powers were so cute and so happy and how could you not want to run up there and rip the shoes from that lady’s feet and put them on your own feet? HOW COULD YOU NOT?

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Greece, with his giant hair straightener/tanning bed/stapler/bright shiney building blocks thing and his exposed stomach and the way he kept touching himself. He was there for all the ladies, and the men… and the lady-mans, too. Greece was greasy sex.

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Russia’s entry this year was a little too deep and profound for Eurovision in my opinion, but man she did a better Sinead O’Conner than Sinead O’Conner! (and atleast she had hair, Sinead!) I liked the ageing effects they gave to giant screen Russian-singer-lady, on the giant screens. Profound, deep, pretentious, Russian.

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Iceland’s entry was referred to as “three minutes of perfect pop” and I have to agree. She was cute, the song was cute, and everything about the set up was just plain cute! I really don’t have anything else to say on the topic…

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I don’t remember what country this is, but I really just liked the green man with the bondage-style sequinned mask on.
And her tutu.
She looks like Nikki Webster.

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Estonia was awesome, I want her dress, plskthnx.

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Ah Germany, I don’t think you were even represented by a German man. He certainly didn’t sound German when he was interviewed by Julia-lady-from-Rockwiz. And she even accused him of not being able to speak German! I think I can safely conclude: this man is not German.
However, he did manage to pull off silver sequinned pants AND even get Dita Von Teese hot on stage! That takes skill… Bet he’s really Greek or some shit like that.

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I don’t quite understand exactly what was intended by this Argentinian show, but it was a floating see-through pool-trampoline thing that I think I want to do… Excuse me whilst I move to Argentina to join the see-through pool-trampoline water circus.

Well, this years Eurovision was certainly epic… Even though I ended up fast forwarding through some songs because they were SO bloody boring or just too fucked up for my eyes. (Malta I’m looking at you here, and Armenia too!)

I liked that parody thing that crazy Russian lady tourist guide did with the “we don’t have bears, we don’t have dictators, we don’t have alcohol” and you could see them all in the background, that was pretty lol.

So that’s all for this tiny mini little small but still epic and a bit lame recap of Eurovision!

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Yum…