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Rob & Me (but not rly)

Why, hello 2006 Robert Pattinson signing headshots of yourself as Cedric Diggory.

Why yes, you are incredibly good looking.

Why yes, that may infact be me sitting next to you, looking absolutely darling in a hideous maroon tshirt and tacky surf jewelry.

Why yes, I am imagining you naked, hence the glazed expression.

Why yes, I am biting my thumb because I’m so nervous being in the presence of your hotness.

Too bad I was in year 12 and had long hair in 2006, because pretty sure whoever that is is my secret twin who my parents shipped off to the other side of the world at birth. Pretty sure I also wish that was me, because have you looked at the clearly gorgeous boy sitting next to secret twin me?

Also pretty sure I bite my nails and my secret twin does not. Shame, I thought we’d have more in common. Although, it’s obvious from my secret twins UGLY SHIRT! that we do not.

Of course, to anyone that matters, I’m going to pretend that’s me. Because I can. And because everyone will be so jealous.

Dear Spunk Ransom,

I hope one day, when we meet, you will remember me from this time when this photograph was taken. (even though it isn’t me, but you won’t be able to tell!)

I also hope you will compliment me on how dramatically my sense of style and fashion has improved.

I further hope you will let me kidnap you and auction bits of you (hair, nail clippings, faeces) off to your cashed up tweenie fanbase (who once hated you, lord knows why*) so that I might save up enough money to go and gamble in Las Vegas for my 21st birthday.

I lastly hope you will take me back to Britain with you and introduce me to Nigella Lawson.

Love,
Georgia

p.s. I would also say I would like to have your babies – because I know they’d be very attractive – but that’s creepy like Hagrid’s special secrets in the Forbidden Forest are creepy. So I won’t say that.

*excuse me, cashed up tweenies who once sent hate mail to Spunk, Cedric Diggory was so cool and then Voldermort killed him and turned him into a vampire, it makes PERFECT logical sense, so whatevs in your face, tweenies

That is all for tonight, folks.

And please! Hide those green eyed monsters!

xoxo
Your Leader,
Georgia

p.p.s. Credit to Topaz Shadows for the image. And you can find many more photos of Robert and my secret twin right HERE!

MAJOR EDIT: CHECK OUT THIS ONE! Yeah, bet my secret twin’s name is Liz. And I bet she’s totally hanging out in that den of sin right about now… 😛 (Liz in the den of Sin… Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds…)

I’m watching the MTV VMAs, not somehting I’d normally do, but I’ve been promised a glimpse of Robert Pattinson, and how can I say no to Cedric Diggory himself? Also, the Joe Bros are performing their new single and Miley Cyrus is up for best new pop or something like that.

Taylor Launter (Jacob Black, Twilight) is sitting behind the girl who kissed a girl and she liked it, Katy Perry. (But who truthfully didn’t actually ever kiss a girl so doesn’t really know what she’s on about, so whatevs.)

BRITNEY JUST WON BEST POP! After 16 nominations in previous years, and she thanks God first and foremost, and her babies and she is giving the award to her fans.

Ok, I haven’t mentioned this already, but Russel Brand is actually a really annoying host. Sorry, there’s so much going on to keep up with. Hahaha. OH PETE WENTZ! He’s rather pretty. He’s talking about Miley Cyrus.

Katy Perry is going to sing Like a Virgin tonight, covering Madonna, and that’s where my title cae from… a very poor joke by Russel Brand. Seriously man, SHUT UP and bring Robert Pattinson out! I NEED EYE CANDY! Also, don’t cut him off like I know you’re going to do. He has a very sexy british accent, unlike yours, and should be heard by all for ever. Also, Katie is humiliated for you and the UK, Russel Brand. Go away, yo. And your haircut DOES look like a hobos so whatevs in your face!

This list of nominees is so poor I haven’t even barely paid attention to it. Best Male Video… How about best objectification of women with bad music?

Katie is getting frustrated because she can’t see the fans, the common people, the crowd. It’s just the famous people. I don’t care, as long as I see Rob.

OMG THE JONAS BROTHERS! YAY! THEY’RE ON NOW! YAY! Who’s Taylor Swift? She’s introducing them. I don’t care about her. Excuse me, put on the Joe Bros! WHOA! JOE BROS! Whoa! Look at that tiny little electic guitar. Like an electric ukelele. They’re singing to me, I’m sure of it. Wheeee! lol. Oh look, Kevin is playing the tiny little electric ukelele! Amazing!

WHOA! Suddenly the whole set just changed and people are RUNNING at the Joe Bros! And they’ve swapped guitars, they have real big manly guitars now! WHOA! People climbing out of windows! WHOA! WHOA! Yeah man, that’s what happens when you hold the VMAs in Hollywood, I tell ya. A riot, all around. Katie is excited, she found the crowd.

Katy Perry only wears little body suits, does she have nothing else in her wardrobe? Seriously, Katy Perry, get a stylist, or some new clothes. And she has like a sparkly sequined banana on her outfit, that she’s peeling. How phallic, Katy Perry. You’re so sexual and girl-kissing but not really. Epic phail.

OH NO! Dad’s changed the channel! NO! GO BACK! GO BACK!

Look, it’s an Olympian. Now we all know how I feel about Olympians. He’s introducing some singer I don’t know. I don’t know why I watch these shows, seriously, I don’t even like this music. (Well, except Miley Cyrus and the Joe Bros, that’s it.) WHOA! It’s a tiny little midget without a shirt on! Looks like Nathan. Oh and his pants are so low that his whole ass is hanging out and his bum in his tightie blackies is kind’ve saggy baggy, looks like he’s pooped his pants. WHOA! Fully dressed man just joined him on stage. Is this some kind of comparison thing? Two very different men, one naked, one dressed, singing together. How deep and symbolic, MTV.

Ok, Russel Brand just complimented their dancing. Was that dancing? Weird. I thought it was an epileptic fit.

I’m counting down the time until Twilight are on. They’ll be on soon. YAY!

The Pussycat Dolls just thanked the troops in Iraq for their award. Uh-huh.

TWILIGHT IN SIX MINUTES!
MILEY CYRUS IN 19 MINUTES!
MADONNA’S ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES!

The voice over just totally ragged on Harry Potter, bitches, Harry Potter is the greatest thing ever in the world next to me, don’t diss it.

This has to be my longest post yet. It’ll be done in an hour, when this show ends. OOH YAY! It’s time for Rob! Pete Wentz, get off the stage, I know you’re pretty cool and Fall Out Boy-ish but you’re not Rob! BRING ROB ON!

GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE RUSSEL BRAND! SERIOUSLY!
OMG THEY’RE HERE

THEY’RE HERE!

SHUT UP EVERYONE!

YAY! YAY! YAY!

Rob is so hot.

OH MY GOD! SIXTUPLE TWILIGHT! The screen just showed SIXTUPLE TWILIGHT! That’s Rob six times across my screen! Too bad RUSSEL BRAND just cut his sexy British accent off with that annoying one. So frustrating.

Paramore is singing about the business of misery, Miley is on in 12 mins. Paramore are wearing tight yellow jeans. Uh huh. Man she has a big voice.

WHOA! There’s the rent-a-crowd again! They ran pretty fast across town! Seriously, apparently this particular performance is blocks away from where the Joe Bros were. Insane. Rent-a-crowds move fast.

Miley is singing 7 things in 8 minutes. YAY!

Linkin Park won best rock video. They’re not even rock, they’re just crap.

YAY! MILEY!

My god Russel Brand, leave Miley Cyrus alone, ffs. She’s so much cooler than you, her alter ego is famous!

Wait… what?

They promised me Miley singing and all I got was Miley introducing Pink! RIDICULOUS! THAT IS NOT COOL! THAT’S SUPER UNAWESOME! Seriously.

Change the channel during Pink, do not care about Pink and her throwing things at mirrors. Vain, having mirros on stage, so vain.

Katie’s keeping me posted, as dad is watching the footy. Seriously, it’s Monday night. Not a footy night! Apparently, Pink has just stripped from her dress into a leotard. Trying to be sexual like Katy Perry, are you Pink? Do you wanna kiss a girl and like it too?

I MISSED THE TING TINGS! No fair! I love the Ting Tings!
I ALSO JUST MISSED MCLOVIN! WHAT?! I do not want to watch the football. I want to watch McLovin. It’s ok, I found the clip on YouTube. Man I love the interwebs. I’ll comment on it later.

Hey! This girl hast just come on and defended the Joe Bros promise to be a virgin rings. Hahaha, in your face Russel Brand, she doesn’t like you either! She doesn’t wanna be a slut like you.

Some guy is singing about how I can do whatever I like. Yeah well, if I could do that, I’d get this without having to jump through to the footy that isn’t even the real footy. I don’t watch faux-footy, thank you very much.

He’s singing in the backlot. He’s in a sexy car in the backlot. They’re gonna have sex in the backlot? This has children watching. HE’S DRIVING AND SINGING INTO A HAND HELD MICROPHONE! That’s ridiculous! Like… wait… The car is on one of those moving things. Hollywood is full of lies.

Oh! Whoa! It’s that song that goes miyah hee miyah ooh miyah ahh miyah ah ah! Rhianna is back, she’s singing again. She sounds much better this time around, less sick. She has also gotten rid of her thunder thighs that spilled over the top of her thigh high boots from before. Good choice, Rhianna.
WHOA! Midget man in a glowing light. And there are the Joe Bros dancing to Rhianna and the tiny man. Same man from before? I’m not sure. They’re both small.

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL IN 5 MINUTES! YES! I love HSM! Seriously, can you feel the excitment I’m feeling? You should! This is so cool.

HSM IS IN THE HOUSE! They look so old. So old. They’re introducing X-Tina. She’s singing some really disturbing song. Man, her and Rhianna should’ve talked before, because Rhianna’s disturbia was full on and leather clad and spooky just like this. Boring. One of you needs to think of your own ideas.

Notice, HSM were not interupted like Twilight? Seriously, Twilight are far superior – althought HSM are cool – and Rob > Zac Efron.

This post is getting way too long to manage. I might have to go back and edit it when the VMAs are over, and give you guys just the bear necessities (the simple bear necessities of life) so that you know what went on.

I’m missing Chace Crawford! If I remember, he’s a hottie. WHY AM I MISSING THE EYE CANDY! My god!
It’s ok, there’s a photo of him on the website.

I think I’ll critique the fashion after this, because I feel like it and because I love Miley’s dress.

YO YO YO YO YO! Yeah, just stand there, man in the green shirt, and scream YO YO YO YO into a microphone. You’re so trendy. LL Cool J. Yeah, you even let people know you’re cool in your name.

PARIS HILTON! And her new show BFF! Cos everyone wants to be Paris Hilton’s BFF?

Best Pop Video! JOE BROS! Britney. Tokio Hotel??? Danity Kane??? Panic! At the Disco.

GO JOE BROS! Come on! WIN JOE BROS!

Britney won again! Man, why is this Britney’s year? Why is she speechless? Why wasn’t Britney’s year the year of HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME?

There’s a band called Metro Station. God, just change your name to Metrosexual and be done with it!

Russel Brand, I’ve been avoiding you, by watching the footy – but not voluntarily. I would avoid you voluntarily though.

WHOA! DRAKE AND JOSH! Hahah, Josh looks like a mafia dude and Drake looks like a nerd. They’re here to present KID ROCK! Kid Rock is poor. He’s holding a cup, mum reckons he’s drinking water, that’s why he’s got a paper towel wrapped around it. To hide the fact that he’s not as hardcore as he thinks he is. Poor effort, Kid Rock. And sing one of your own songs, right. Go back to your Sweet Home Albama.

Hey! It’s Wil.I.Am! He’s singing with Kid Rock. Why? I thought you had some Dign.I.Ty, Wil.I.Am.

Best Video is about to be announced. Most of these songs are really poor. Ok, the Ting Tings are so awesome… wait why did Britney win? Again, why is this Britney’s year?

GO AWAY RUSSEL BRAND! Oh good, he’s going. Look, he’s leaving. With Britney. Fantastic.

Kanye West is closing the show. What happened to Miley? Excuse me, I got gipped. I watched this whole thing, and I didn’t get Miley. Yes, I got Twilight and the Joe Bros, but I WANTED MILEY!

Kanye is singing some poor song about whatever, so whilst the VMAs wrap up for 2008, I’ll wrap up this incredibly long blog.

Stay tuned for my VMA fashion critiquing in the next post.

xoxo